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karma

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Harvest Time


Here's a little shot of some of the work I did at The Altered Image workshop I took a couple of weeks ago. When I wrote the initial post about the workshop I talked about how much I liked the instructor's (Tony Bounsall) suggestion that we look on our work as creative compost and then as a lover of metaphor I stretched this to include all of our life's material as creative compost.

Our wonderful blogging friend 108 Zen Books ran with the compost analogy in a fun series of 5 posts which you should definitely add to your life/garden manual. A couple of days ago I noticed the weather in the garden take a distinct turn in the direction of fall, the air cooled, the sun's intensity waned even though it remained bright. The quality of the light changed in a way I can't quite pinpoint and a feeling of quiet and order settled over everything. Clouds roll around forming, disintegrating and reforming, the weather changes a myriad times each day. The manic intense energy of summer has headed off to another hemisphere.

I have been doing some seed saving: kale, parsley, mustard greens, foxglove, lettuce, onion, nasturtium, cilantro, radish. And this morning I decided it was time to remove the lavender of it's dried stalks. As I rubbed the tiny flower heads off onto a piece of newsprint, it's intoxicating scent filled the air and I thought "harvest". We have been talking about compost in terms of our practice, our training, living our lives, whatever you choose to call it. How about the harvest? Where does that figure into the picture.

We could talk about karma and that we harvest what we sow. Trite perhaps but seemlngly true enough. It is like the story that the grandfather tells the small child about the 2 wolves that live inside us, the angry one and the kind one. When the child asks which one will win, the wise grandfather reminds her that it is the one we feed that grows. So it is with harvest, I think. The seeds we nurture and cultivate, watering and tending, giving them our attention, those are the seeds that will grow in our hearts. The choice is always ours. It is easy to fall back into the dark tangled weed patch of unconscious habit but at some point we stumble out, hat askew, morning glory twined around our left ear. You get the picture. Such is the gardener's life.

When I think of harvest I am reminded of something my Zen teacher used to say to me when I told a story of where I was astonished that something had gone so well . She would say, " those are the fruits of your training." And so I think that about the harvest, that if we are diligent and train and work with our "stuff" in earnest then gradually, often without notice, change comes about. Slowly, surely, we advance in the direction of the little rows of compassion and , the patch of letting go and a basket full of all acceptance. This is the work of a life time, many lifetimes, if you will. If we can remember that this is the most important work we will do in our lives, then there will be something to harvest. And being human, of course sometimes we forget, get blown over in a ferocious storm and fall into the thistle patch, but that's okay. We just get back up, pick out the prickles and gather up the hoe again.

All this harvest talk makes me think of ripe tomatoes and fat squash but it also make me think of a line from Daishin Morgan's little book "Buddha Recognizes Buddha". He says "training and enlightenment are not separate". And so the spiritual garden is like this: we are always planting and weeding and watering and harvesting. It's all going on at the same time. And all the while if we are good organic gardeners we keep adding to the compost heap, because it will feed the garden and make our harvest rich and strong and luscious. Hey, is that a hay seed I see behind your ear?
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Unavoidable karma

My doctor called this morning a little after 9:00.  He had results from yesterday's blood test.  Good news - both thyroid and hemoglobin are low.  Good news because both can be addressed with medication, and might be partly responsible for my fatigue and shortness of breath.  Bad news - lipase had risen.  And you didn't even know you had one, right?

The lipase they are measuring is a pancreatic enzyme.  The one to the left is a guinea pig's enzyme, so beautiful these things make me wonder, why make art?  They got it down dramatically in the hospital by starving me - nothing (at all) by mouth at first, then liquid diet, all of that with IV flowing in.  But it has risen since I got out and started pushing the pancreatic diet a little, a few grams of fat here and there.

The doctor is young, but he is learning how to motivate his geriatric population.  I see him next week.  If it doesn't go down, I'll have to go back to the hospital.  I said, "They can't really do anything for me in the hospital."

He said, "They can hydrate you and keep you from eating."  Oh jeez.

Tom and I both really dislike me being in the hospital.  We went to the grocery store and up and down the aisles we went buying everything fat-free we could find.  There isn't much, but on the other hand, it's a lot, and it's crowding a kitchen counter now, out where I can see what I have to pick from.  I made it today with only .5 grams of fat (as opposed to 18 yesterday.)  Delicious fact:  strawberries on angel food cake.  Tomorrow for breakfast I want zucchini and scrambled egg white.  I can even put fat-free cheddar on it.

Believe me, none of these foods taste like "the real thing."  But the cause-and-effect is undeniable.  It's one of those less subtle examples of karma.  Jack Kornfield says he had a student who summarized it like this:  "You don't get away with nothing."  Yesterday's blood tests proved that to me.
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Karma, Causality, Two Truths, and Misconception

Karma, Causality, Two Truths, and Misconception
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If all experiential factors are real things (dharmas), as Dogen contends, then misconceptions are real things. Therefore, Dogen’s view on the unity of the form and nature of things apply. As a real thing (dharma) the form of a misconception and its nature are nondual which means that a misconception is truly a misconception. For the same reason an accurate conception is a truly an accurate conception (e.g. understandable explanations really are understandable explanations.).
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To clarify this, let’s look at a misconception that Dogen (and many other Zen masters) dedicated much attention and energy to correcting; this is the misconception that commonly arises in association with the Buddhist doctrine of “two truths.”
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[Note: This teaching usually discussed in relation to the Madhyamika school (which developed it and dealt with it most extensively). This doctrine was a major influence to all Mahayana schools, each interpreting it in their own way. The basic idea of this doctrine (that all schools generally agree on) will suit our purpose here so we will skip the details for now.]
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Basically, the “two truths” doctrine asserts that there is a “provisional truth” and an “absolute truth.” The provisional truth is usually described in terms of “expedient means,” “temporary devices,” or as “appearance” (apparent truth). The absolute truth is usually discussed in terms of the “true,” “real,” or “ultimate” to which expedients direct us, or as the “true nature” behind or underlying appearances.
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Now, there may be some question about whether all the classic Zen masters agree with Dogen’s view of these truths. Some definitely seem to diverge from Dogen, but most appear to be in harmony with him; though this is often more implicit than explicit. Fortunately, it is Dogen’s view we are interested in here, and he makes his views extremely and explicitly clear.
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For Dogen, the two truths doctrine is definitely valid—but only if its interpretation maintains strict (or, perhaps, radical) adherence to the doctrine of nonduality. That is to say, for Dogen, provisional truth and absolute truth are valid insofar as they are understood as coessential and coextensive. In accord with nonduality then, provisional and absolute truths are ultimately seen to be equally significant (e.g. “expedient means” and the “reality” to which they point are not-two; “appearance” and “true nature” are an interdependent unity, etc.) In practice, Mahayana Buddhists (including Zen Buddhists) have shown a definite tendency to stray from the tenets of nonduality when it comes to the two truths doctrine; here is where we come to the common misconception.
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Uncritical Buddhists, or those with a shallow understanding of nonduality can easily buy into views which may not claim to be—but actually are grounded on—dualistic presuppositions. Often such views appear in terms of a kind of pseudo-nonduality (as discussed in a previous post). The end result usually amounts (more or less) to notions that all conceptions, accurate or distorted, are provisional, unreal, finite, or mere appearance, while absolute truth is regarded as transcendent, ineffable, inexpressible, and incommunicable.
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As discussed previously, such views are not only dualistic (hence, non-Buddhist), they are very difficult to root out once they take hold. Their direct attack on the intellect often affects a deep distrust of reason, and even common sense. This make such views particularly resistant to corrective guidance. The frequency with which this occurs in association with the two truths doctrine is probably the main reason for Dogen’s overall disfavor of it.
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[Note: for more on Dogen’s disfavor of the doctrine see all of Hee-Jin Kim books (for a short, succinct example see, Hee-Jin Kim, Dogen On Meditation and Thinking, pp. 25-26).
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To harbor dualistic views is to harbor non-Buddhist views. For advocates of these views, right and wrong, good and bad, practice and enlightenment, etc. are all “provisional;” and reality is beyond words, actions, and even thought. Thomas Cleary eloquently and convincingly argues (in the introduction to his translation, Transmission of Light) that due to the social reverence for authentic Zen (earned by dramatic success), the name of “Zen” is often appropriated by dualistic cults seeking an appearance of authority. His descriptions of such cults sound very familiar to contemporary “everything is it,” “nothing special,” “no goal,” and “no wisdom to attain” teachers and teachings. In this regard, consider Dogen’s words here:
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Clearly, ‘not being blind to cause and effect’ is what ‘being profoundly convinced of cause and effect’ means, and accordingly, those who hear this rid themselves of evil conditions. Do not doubt this: do not mistrust it. Among those of our recent generations who call themselves students of Zen practice, there are many who have denied causality. And how do we know that they have denied causality? Because they are of the opinion that there is no difference between ‘not being subject to’ and ‘not being blind to’. Accordingly, we know that they have denied causality.
Shobogenzo, Jinshin Inga
, Hubert Nearman
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Here we see that modern slogans about “nothing to attain” and “all is Zen” sound suspiciously similar to what Dogen refers to as those that “call themselves students of Zen.” Fortunately, we have Dogen’s guidance on how we can tell if a group’s or individual’s proclamations are divergent from the authentic Buddha Dharma: “…they are of the opinion that there is no difference between ‘not being subject to’ and ‘not being blind to’.” Wherever assertions of “no difference” usurp assertions of “nondual” we can be pretty damn sure that dualism (or pseudo-nonduality) is lurking nearby—and whenever “no difference” begins to surface in association with “causality” (or karma) we are bound to discover some strain of antinomianism or quietism.
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The “uniqueness” of each universe and self fashioned by each individual (discussed in recent posts) is not due only to the unique time and place of each physical presence. While conditions are a factor, it is causes that are the primary influence. According to Buddhist causality, each individual manifests as an undeniably unique unity with certain innate tendencies and characteristic traits (due to karma). Each individual’s experience of the world unfolds in a consistently natural (to them) manner, from the moment of their first appearance onward. Dogen often points to this by reminding us that chrysanthemums come from chrysanthemums, willows from willows. In Dogen’s in depth treatments of this he takes it even further; this particular chrysanthemum comes only from that particular chrysanthemum, only this particular willow from that particular willow.
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Herein is why Dogen is so offended by the “denial of causality.” It is founded on the same thing as his scorn of “naturalism;” the implication that sentient beings are formed by the universe (or some other external force) rather than the formers of the universe.
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Mahayana Buddhist doctrines are firmly informed by the principles of causation and karma. To state or imagine there is no difference between “not falling into causation” (not being subject to karmic conditions) and “not being unclear about causation” (being clearly aware of existence and dynamics of causation) is tantamount to saying the Buddha Dharma is superfluous. What point would there be in hearing the teaching of causation (or any Buddhist teaching), studying it, putting it into practice, and verifying it in experience, if a “clear understanding” of causation revealed that causation has no influence on us in the first place (that we are “not subject to causation)? It seems almost too obvious to mention, yet such distorted notions were as widespread in Dogen’s day as they are in our own. Thus, in the passage above Dogen defines what “not being unclear about causation” means by spelling it out in unmistakable terms, it means “…‘being profoundly convinced of cause and effect’…” for emphasis he adds, “Do not doubt this: do not mistrust it.”
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We can only be “profoundly convinced of cause and effect” if we profoundly study it, learn it, practice it, and verify it in experiential realization. One of the things causality asserts is that we ourselves are the motivating influence of the course and direction of our life experience. We are neither passive marionettes whose strings are pulled by unknown forces, nor are we the hapless victims of chance and circumstance; we are the authors of our life experience.
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If we “doubt this” or “mistrust it” how can we seriously put it into practice? If we do not put it into practice we cannot verify it, if we do not verify it we will not assimilate it or be able to access and utilize the enlightened wisdom (bodhi prajna) inherent in it.
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“Knowledge” about causation is familiarity with the teaching of causation, being “profoundly convinced” of causation is verifying it experientially; the former is the knowledge of “ordinary” (unawakened) human beings, the latter is the wisdom of enlightened (awakened) human beings (Buddhas). Knowledge is acquired, wisdom is evoked. Our total knowledge is the sum of facts we have assimilated through our interactive experience of world and self. Our enlightened wisdom is the totality of the lucidity of comprehension and efficacious competence with which we manage our experience and navigate life, which for Buddhists means the Way of the Buddha Dharma.
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Existence being dependant on it, experience itself is a given for all sentient beings. The only question is, in Dogen’s terms, whether we “turn the Dharma” or “are turned by the Dharma.” To be turned by the Dharma is to live the whimsical, wooden life of a puppet, to accept the mandates of whatever is most influential at the moment, to conform to the expectations, views, and conventions of the “ordinary” mind of mediocrity. Choosing instead to turn the Dharma is to choose liberation; to choose the “ordinary” mind of enlightenment. True liberation comes with the verification that we alone are the masters of our lives, and that our ability to manage the material of our lives (arrange the instances of our experience) is the measure of our ability to fashion a world and fashion a self—our ability to respond (responsibility) harmoniously to the unceasing flow of experience, illumining and enlivening the Buddha nature of the myriad dharmas of momentary existence.
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Peace,
Ted Biringer
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Video Dharma ~ Ajahn Dhiravamso’s “The Law of Kamma”

This week’s video dharma comes from the Buddhist Society of Western Australia concerning the law of kamma (karma).  I take a very simple view of karma in that the responsibility lies with us to live our lives skillfully and with compassion but we no more control karma as we control gravity or evolution.  We can witness the effects.  We can attempt to classify it.  We can even propose and present fairy tales to others about it.  But in the long run, we just ride it out.


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Keep Buddhism in your heart

Our children playing Buddha. Photo by me.

Yes, keep Buddhism in your heart. Path is in your words, in your actions, in your thoughts. What ever you're doing, you are doing it. This is the law of cause and effect.
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Karma. No Escape! ~ A guest post by Rev. Trevor Maloney

Rev. Trevor Maloney is a thirty-year old Zen priest in the lineage of Suzuki Roshi. He spent five and a half years in residential Zen training at Tassajara Zen Mountain Center and San Francisco Zen Center, and was ordained in April of 2009 by his teacherKosho McCall. In December of 2009, he moved to Austin, Texas to serve on the staff at Austin Zen Center. Besides unsurpassed complete perfect enlightenment, Trevor is interested in punk rock, running, and his girlfriend. Check out his utterly fascinating and edifying blog, The Big Old Oak Tree.

Karma is a teaching that allows us to take full responsibility for our lives, both for our present condition and the possibility of transformation. Basically, karma is the teaching that our present conditions are the result of our past actions and intentions, and that our future conditions are dependent upon our present actions and intentions. When we do something with an intention, it makes a mark in our minds and in the world, and there will be an effect. (Intention is key here; accidentally stepping on a bug in the dark doesn’t create karma, but going out and intentionally stepping on bugs does indeed create karma.) Karma is not an excuse, or something to be blamed. Right now, your karma is in your own hands.

This, I think, is a big difference between traditions that teach a doctrine of original sin (Christianity, and others I am sure) and traditions that offer us practices to study our hearts, minds, and bodies. John’s recent post about a Christian group’s press release on the Dalai Lama’s visit to Wisconsin has an interesting conversation about this matter. And that’s why John asked me to write this little thing here.

Real quickly, original sin means that humans are inherently predisposed towards sin. (Now, before you start posting comments about what an over generalization this is, and how the doctrine of original sin can and has been interpreted in a variety of ways that have been and are considered within the confines of Christian orthodoxy, know that I know this already. I’ve got degrees in this stuff. I just don’t want to get into it here, ok? [you guys can discuss it here, in the comments ~ The Management] ) Now, if it is true that we are inherently predisposed towards sin, then there would seem there isn’t much we can do about it. After all, it’s inherent, right? So, it makes sense that one might turn to a proxy transformation via the free gift of grace from a holy God, because it would take exactly that kind of supernatural intervention to change inherent human nature. You can see why someone who believes this would be really happy about this.

Buddhism, however, teaches something a little different. Well, maybe not a little different. More like radically different. Rather then being originally sinful or dead in sin or a slave to sin, humans are seen as inherently enlightened, or inherently predisposed to enlightenment. Different schools and different teachers talk about it in different ways, depending on the context and the emphasis (or lack of emphasis) that they are placing on non-dual expressions of the teachings. Their message, however, is the same; humans are inherently good. How do we know this? Well, you want to be happy, right? And everyone else you’ve ever met wants to be happy, too. We all want to be happy and free, and we all want to live in peace with our neighbors, and everyone much prefers loving and being loved, rather than hating and being hated.

This is true for all living beings, from the weirdest deep-sea fish to the most well-dressed Cambridge University professor. Sure, the deep-sea fish needs a lot less. Basically, it just needs to be left alone in an unsullied environment so it can find food and mate and produce offspring, following the dictates of its instincts. The professor is a little more complicated, needing not just basic physical necessities, but also a level of creative freedom and community and meaningful work and love, among other things. At bottom, though, both of these very different beings are quite similar. Constrict either one too much, making them unable to follow the dictates of their instinct/conscience, and you’ll have an unhappy living being. Let them be in a supportive environment, and you’ll have created the conditions for a happy living being.

So, if we’re inherently predisposed towards liberation, why are we often so miserable? Good question! Mahayana mythology holds that when Shakyamuni woke up under the bodhi tree, he said, “Wonder of wonders! All living beings are inherently complete and perfect! But they do not realize it because of their delusions and cravings.” This says a lot about our tradition.

First of all, it’s celebratory! Wonder of wonders! How wonderful! Woo hoo! Bodhi svaha! The dharma is not a punishment. It’s not like you’re bad and so you better do this. Practice is not a stick to beat yourself with. In my tradition, especially, practice is a ritual expression and celebration of our inherent enlightenment. Secondly, in some sense, you’re fine as you are. No, seriously; You’re fine as you are. I’m not sure you’re getting that, so I am going to say it once more: You are fine as you are. Complete and perfect. [You know, if even one person reads this and has even a slight insight into this truth and lets that insight permeate their heart, and everyone else just kind of skims over this little essay and clicks on over to cuteoverload.com, I would consider all my work on this (and the six years of Zen training that came before) well worth it.] Thirdly, there is a reason we don’t live in and constantly manifest this completion and perfection, this inherent wisdom and compassion, this inescapable liberation, this complete and total enlightenment! The reason is that we’re confused. We see things slightly off kilter. Oh no! A problem! I thought you said I am complete and perfect, Rev! Yes, I did. If you think there’s no hope now that we bring up this little problem, however, then you’re forgetting who said this and why he said it. Shakyamuni Buddha, a person just like you and I, said this, and he said it because he saw through his confusion and woke up. We can do this, too. So, there’s your hope.

But how? How can we wake up if we are bound by the inescapable law of karma, of cause and efect? By owning it completely. There is no other realm we need to enter, no new mind we need to gain, no supernatural intervention that we must accept or hope for, no imminent apocalypse to usher in a new world order. There is no escape. Confession and repentance is a big part of Zen practice. The verse of confession recited at ordinations and other ceremonies goes like this: “All my ancient twisted karma, from beginningless greed, hate, and delusion; born from body, speech, and mind; I now fully avow.” When we sincerely take responsibility for the harmful karma that we have created through our confused actions, words, and thoughts, this harmful karma no longer has the same binding power over us. On the contrary, this karma is transmuted into the fuel of liberation. My friend, I am so sorry that I spoke harshly to you yesterday. I see how harmful my words were, and from now on I will do my best to only speak words of truth and kindness to you and everyone else I meet. Please forgive me.

But it’s not just the karma of specific harmful actions, words, and thoughts that we have to own. The big dharma project is getting down to that root delusion that creates all karma, harmful and helpful. The big confusion that the Buddhist tradition has been poking at for the past two thousand five hundred plus years is our confusion regarding who we are, the confusion that is so close to us that most of us would hardly even imagine to look into it. When we are confused about our basic nature – when we hold the unexamined assumption that there is a separate self – then everything we do, no matter how subtly, is colored by this fundamental confusion. In meditation, we set this confusion aside and find ourselves in the midst of our ancient karma, accepting everything just as it is. Sitting upright in the midst of the dependently co-arising nature of reality, understanding this dependently co-arising nature of reality, karma melts away. This kind of confession is also known as forgetting the self, or letting go. You – that is, the limited, constricted mass of confusion, opinions, prejudices, views that we usually identify as self – cannot do it. Let go, let go, let go, let go…


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Issaranimmanahetuvada, Karma and God ~ Guest Post by Genshin

I want to thank John for asking me to provide a guest ramble on his blog, and send out a g’day to all fellow Buddha Dharma followers reading this wonderful blog! [ *blush* ~ The Management]

I’d like to touch on the topic of issaranimmanahetuvada (quite a mouthful eh?). This is the belief that all of our suffering and all our unhappiness is controlled by a supreme being or a god. In effect this is a misinterpretation of the Buddhist teaching of karma.

There is a common misconception that Karma is pre-determinism or some kind of retribution for ill-deeds dished out on us by an otherworldly being intent on controlling mans every move. It is not. Karma is simply an act for which there will be a result. The Buddha said, “Intention is karma. Having willed, one acts through body, speech and mind.”

We humans are a curious lot, always wanting to know the cause of events and the reason for things being as they are. The Buddha wanted to know why we suffer and why we cause ourselves so much grief and unhappiness. Through his very own effort and perseverance he discovered that WE are responsible for our own suffering and our own unhappiness. He realised that there wasn’t any supernatural or otherworldly factor involved in our suffering and unhappiness.

It is very easy to take the easy path out and blame all of our suffering or unhappiness on external forces, be it a god’s will, or the weather, the stars, or some other superstition. The causes of some events in our lives are sometimes obvious, and we are able to easily attribute the cause and hopefully negate its effect. Other times the effect seems to have simply happened and is seemingly unaccountable.

Rather than rely on a man-made “God’ – which was the teaching of the religious elders of the time, the Brahmins -  the Buddha taught that we should turn our attention to creating our own happiness and realising what it is that brings us unhappiness and self-imposed suffering. Change and suffering are inevitable, but we ourselves can overcome and control the effects of our own suffering and unhappiness. Every living thing on our little rock suffers, we are not alone in this.

“Oh shit, I’m having such a bad month, my car isn’t working, I’m putting on weight, my partner has left me, I have a sickness….it must be the will of God/Allah/Thor/Shiva.” Or, “Crikey, I didn’t get that job, it’s my fate, my pre-destination, the will of the universe.”

This isn’t what the Buddha discovered and later explained in his Dharma 2,550 years ago. These are superstitions, which the Buddha was trying to eradicate from people’s minds. He was trying to help people see that the old religions of animal sacrifice and belief in higher powers weren’t getting them anywhere as they were superstitious beliefs used to explain things that were actually just natural occurrences or self-imposed.

The Buddha repelled any doctrine that taught dependance on external fabricated beliefs and supernatural beings. He maintained that events have a cause and that the cause was either the result of our own actions or natural laws of nature. What is the use of man’s intelligence if he continues to believe in supernatural causes?

There cannot be any event which is supernatural in its origin. This would deny the very teachings of the Buddha Dharma – that all is conditioned by cause and effect. This is the central teaching of Buddhism. To believe in god/s or supernatural beings/events is simply NOT Buddha Dharma. A religion based on belief in higher powers is based solely on speculation and superstition – neither of which are of any benefit to us. It is unprofitable.

Genshin

Working hard to reinvigorate Buddhism in Japan and eradicate metaphysical nonsense from its practice, I am a bodhisattva monk following an open path (non-sectarian) influenced somewhat by the pragmatic teachings of warrior-Zen Master Suzuki Shõsan Rõshi (b:1579 – d:1655). I live in Japan with my wife, two children and a dog.  I believe that we should strive to adapt the body of teachings of the Buddha to this time and that countries and cultures in which we live actually have little to do with Buddhist practice. Buddhist practice is to be realised in our everyday lives in all that we do. I believe that we should be able to make any necessary adjustments where needed to better suit our modern society.


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The 3 Poisons Can Get Have Odd Side Effects

Don't mess up renditions of "My Way" at karaoke bars in the Philippines.


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On getting a mammogram

I awoke this morning with a sense of being light as thistledown, my trunk made of air. I had dreamed I was part of a large festival of choirs, and in my dream I sang "Marching to Pretoria" very well, on tune and able to shape the notes without that quavering of old age. It is still running in my mind. I am used to my tinnitus. Because I have it, I think I might welcome the silence of death. As for the song, we used to sing it in church camp. We didn't know what it was about, but didn't care. It has a rousing rhythm.

In the kitchen I pointed out to Tom the paperwhites, soft green blades that shot straight up from a large bulb in a nice little vessel, gift from a friend who does this every single Christmas. I said to Tom, "All that was stored in that bulb. All it needed was water."

He is a scientist, and he said, "It is water."

I said, "And a code." It fascinates me that a living thing is an association of patterns held together by a code. But that's my way of seeing. Something holds it together. A consciousness? Just the karma, it is made of so many bits and pieces, and they will wear the way they do, like parts in a car. Carma.

I have had so much illness that I have no future. I realize that when I sit with friends who talk of major life changes. To people with their health, there are infinite possibilities, and so often I see my friends sitting on those possibilities, procrastinating, in the belief that they are in control of their future, and that it is definitely going to be there, like some storage room full of gold that cannot rot or be stolen. They can do it next year, or the year after that. I don't know how next year will be for us - probably worse. I am very comfortable in the knowledge that this is all I have: my home under my feet right now, the wood floor vibrating as the furnace runs. The sound of Tom in the kitchen, turning a page in the newspaper.

You have probably noticed that there are many things to remind me of my mortality. Yesterday it was the annual mammogram. When I called to make the appointment they got me right in just a few days later, because I had breast cancer once, many years ago. That's the policy, to get us in for those mammograms.

I don't really think of myself as a cancer survivor now, but as a kidney patient. As for cancer, I like to consider myself not in remission but cured. I liked to think that five years out, when I got off tamoxifen, I was done with cancer. But deep within I now know that it can strike any time, anywhere. You don't have to have symptoms. And my first cancer was found on a mammogram. So I don't want to have a mammogram, and somehow the appointment gets procrastinated.

Of course a mammogram hurts, and worse in the breast that had surgery, even though the people at JamesCare are both skilled and kind. But what hurts worse is sitting afterwards waiting while the radiologist looks at the films. The waiting room is thoughtfully arranged, with coffee and tea and snack bars, and cheery bright magazines. But you wait. This time it was about half an hour. The door opens, people come out, but they are not for you. I felt raw. I leafed through the pages of a Metropolitan Home without interest in decorating anything in my home. It's where I live.

Finally the door opened and the nurse called my name. I gathered my parka, bag of clothes, and essential comfort scarf, and went through the door with her. They don't tell you anything until you're through the door into the hall. Then they say it right away with a smile:

Everything looks fine. You're free to go.

Everything went out of me with a whoosh. It was as if I had been holding my breath all this time. Then I clumsily found my way through the halls to the exit. I have been doing this for 13 years, but I get it wrong, and someone helps me.

In the car I ate part of a snack bar, willing the sugar to help me concentrate and drive home safely. There I told Tom that next year I will ask him to drive me. Sure, he said. That's what it's about.

A thought about this little ordeal. In early years I believed that if I meditated enough I would be calm in the face of anything. I guess that's how I saw enlightenment, as a state that was beyond being human, as detachment from everything. But it seems to me that now these medical events rock me more than they once did. That that's being alive. I'll take it.
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I believe it was Soen Nakagawa who said even tabloids could be read as sutras…

And I swear that I have read descriptions of stuff like this in the Dhammapada and in other sutras. It seems to reek of the 3 poisons...

Human remains have been found near a home where investigators were searching for the body of a missing man who won millions of dollars in the lottery nearly four years ago, Florida sheriff's officials said.

Abraham Shakespeare, a 43-year-old truck driver's assistant, has been missing since April - though he wasn't reported missing until November. He had won a $31 million lottery jackpot in 2006, opting for a lump sum payment of nearly $17 million...


The remains were found at a home owned by the boyfriend of Dorice Moore. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd has previously called Moore a "person of interest," though she has not been charged. Judd has characterized the case as a homicide.

On Dec. 5, Moore told The Ledger newspaper that she helped Shakespeare disappear, but now wants him to return because detectives were searching her home and car and looking for blood on her belongings.


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