I really enjoy this interview and listen to it from time to time on my way home from work.
Enjoy. http://www.rootsofrebellion.org/index.asp?pagemode=I&ID=56
Al
Archive for
June, 2009
...
June 30, 2009 4:37 pm
I mentioned this a while back. It seems the website is back up and running and the interview link seems to work.
I really enjoy this interview and listen to it from time to time on my way home from work.
Enjoy. http://www.rootsofrebellion.org/index.asp?pagemode=I&ID=56
Al
I really enjoy this interview and listen to it from time to time on my way home from work.
Enjoy. http://www.rootsofrebellion.org/index.asp?pagemode=I&ID=56
Al
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12:58 pm
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Be patient with yourself and others. Very patient. It is really amazing how people come around -- in time -- to what actually makes sense. The wisdoms of the world are not the wisdoms that are written or spoken or heard ... no matter how loud the accolades or how voluble the disapproval.
The wisdoms of the world make themselves apparent through attention, not through adoration. Be patient -- what you seek is not what you adore.
The wisdoms of the world come like a curious horse with whom you share a wide field ... shambling and carefree and perhaps a bit curious at this stranger. The stranger may come or go -- no matter -- the wisdoms just sidle up and sniff and are sniffed in return.
Once upon a time, I used to sit outside a Zen center I attended in New York, waiting for the doors to open, and watch the passersby. And I was truly dumbfounded that they should be headed home from work or headed to work when the zendo was about to open. How could this be? Why were they not waiting with me? Why were they not taking things seriously ... as seriously as I was? But of course I was in an adoration phase, a world of praise. And of course praise is limited, where the wisdoms are not.
Be patient and be of good cheer. People come around in their own time. I come around in my own time. Be patient with the praise and blame and philosophy and religion and accolades and disclaimers. Just be patient and pay attention.
The wisdoms cannot be found. They are never missing. Always.
But there is no pushing the river. Just be patient and attentive and now and then, sniff the wind.
The wisdoms that you speak of are not the wisdoms that you seek. Be patient and attentive and, as sure as Sunday, they will appear.
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Be patient with yourself and others. Very patient. It is really amazing how people come around -- in time -- to what actually makes sense. The wisdoms of the world are not the wisdoms that are written or spoken or heard ... no matter how loud the accolades or how voluble the disapproval.
The wisdoms of the world make themselves apparent through attention, not through adoration. Be patient -- what you seek is not what you adore.
The wisdoms of the world come like a curious horse with whom you share a wide field ... shambling and carefree and perhaps a bit curious at this stranger. The stranger may come or go -- no matter -- the wisdoms just sidle up and sniff and are sniffed in return.
Once upon a time, I used to sit outside a Zen center I attended in New York, waiting for the doors to open, and watch the passersby. And I was truly dumbfounded that they should be headed home from work or headed to work when the zendo was about to open. How could this be? Why were they not waiting with me? Why were they not taking things seriously ... as seriously as I was? But of course I was in an adoration phase, a world of praise. And of course praise is limited, where the wisdoms are not.
Be patient and be of good cheer. People come around in their own time. I come around in my own time. Be patient with the praise and blame and philosophy and religion and accolades and disclaimers. Just be patient and pay attention.
The wisdoms cannot be found. They are never missing. Always.
But there is no pushing the river. Just be patient and attentive and now and then, sniff the wind.The wisdoms that you speak of are not the wisdoms that you seek. Be patient and attentive and, as sure as Sunday, they will appear.
.
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11:19 am
My conclusion of the recent Iranian election is that it shows that the health and progress of Iranian democracy is on a par with USA democracy.
Beyond the foolishness of the fantasy of CIA involvement or the wishful thinking that the Iranian people are in the streets supporting some kind of "Islamic green revolution," the truth is that the Iranian people are demonstrating on their own behalf, not for revolution but for something much more basic to human society, and that is, the people primarily want honesty from their government leaders.
The Iranian Constitution is a document with democratic checks and balances that does allow for somewhat reasonably free elections. The demonstrators are not asking for a revolution or any other kind of fundamental change to the Constitution; they are asking that their Constitution be upheld and enforced. However, to the extent (1) that the Supreme Leader doesn't honestly exercise his role as a check and balance to the system, (2) that the Guardian Council doesn't exercise its role as a check and balance over the election process, and (3) that the Council of Experts doesn't exercise its role as a check and balance on the Supreme Leader, then these three bodies may by their failure to function effectively in the support of Iranian democracy then steer the people exactly in the direction of Constitutional change.
The election was patently fraudulent. The case itemizing the fraud doesn't need to be restated in depth. From the beginning when the results were announced within without any attempt to even pretend to give enough time to count the votes, from the way the counting process was changed to prevent the routine and legal observations, from the stuffing of ballot boxes up to 140% of the registered voters, etc. it is clear that the election result was a sham. By supporting the result with illogical argument and violent repression of the demonstrations, the Supreme Leader has shown that he is no better, and fundamentally no different than, the Shah when it comes to upholding the democratic principles of the Iranian Constitution. There are two bodies, the Guardian Council and the Council of Experts, that could provide checks and balances to the Supreme Leader's bias for the fraud, but they have so fa refused to act.
Now, let's be clear. The current situation is no better or worse than the situation in the USA in the elections of 2000 and 2004 which were both fraudulently stolen (albeit with more finesse) by George Bush. It does us no good to be on a high horse and look down on the people of Iran for having to live with a failure of their democracy. At least the people of Iran were demonstrating in the streets in large numbers. The people of the USA live with the failure of our democracy far more meekly by comparison. Our system of checks and balances failed and no one called for constitutional reform.
We have a system of Congressional legislation, Judicial review, and Presidential executive execution of the laws in which the Congress, the Justice system, and the Presidency are controlled by corporate elites every bit as much as the Iranian system is controlled by Islamic elites. We have a majority of the population that supports universal health care whether by a "public option" or by a Medicare-for-all (single payer) plan, yet neither the Congress nor the President has fought for what the public wants in the health care debate.
The people of the USA want the Clean Air act to be strengthened yet the Congress has just passed a phony clean energy bill that sells out to coal and nuclear energy and reduces the power of the Clean Air act. This is no fluke, it is the systemic failure of USA democracy that is accepted meekly by the majority of the public whose very preferences are ignored.
President Obama received his highest levels of campaign support from Wall Street interests, so is it any wonder that in the first six months of office that Obama has rewarded those same Wall Street interests with payoffs greater than any previous such looting of the US treasury in our history, all the while virtually ignoring the plight of the individual homeowners?
What we in the USA have in solidarity with out fellow humans in Iran is that we want honesty from our system of democracy. What we share in our systems is a fundamental lack of honesty by those people elected and appointed to run the system. I wish that we in the USA had the motivation to march in the streets in the numbers that they did in Iran to protest that lack of honesty. And if we did, I have no doubts that we would see the violence of the USA elites come out against the protesters every bit as much as it has in Iran, just has it has come out against the USA protesters at the Democratic and Republican Party conventions every year.
The bottom line is that we in the USA are in no position to brag that our democracy is any more vibrant or successful than the Iranian democracy, and when we look at the protests in Iran we can share in the dream of an honest upholding of the Constitution both in Iran and here as well.
Beyond the foolishness of the fantasy of CIA involvement or the wishful thinking that the Iranian people are in the streets supporting some kind of "Islamic green revolution," the truth is that the Iranian people are demonstrating on their own behalf, not for revolution but for something much more basic to human society, and that is, the people primarily want honesty from their government leaders.
The Iranian Constitution is a document with democratic checks and balances that does allow for somewhat reasonably free elections. The demonstrators are not asking for a revolution or any other kind of fundamental change to the Constitution; they are asking that their Constitution be upheld and enforced. However, to the extent (1) that the Supreme Leader doesn't honestly exercise his role as a check and balance to the system, (2) that the Guardian Council doesn't exercise its role as a check and balance over the election process, and (3) that the Council of Experts doesn't exercise its role as a check and balance on the Supreme Leader, then these three bodies may by their failure to function effectively in the support of Iranian democracy then steer the people exactly in the direction of Constitutional change.
The election was patently fraudulent. The case itemizing the fraud doesn't need to be restated in depth. From the beginning when the results were announced within without any attempt to even pretend to give enough time to count the votes, from the way the counting process was changed to prevent the routine and legal observations, from the stuffing of ballot boxes up to 140% of the registered voters, etc. it is clear that the election result was a sham. By supporting the result with illogical argument and violent repression of the demonstrations, the Supreme Leader has shown that he is no better, and fundamentally no different than, the Shah when it comes to upholding the democratic principles of the Iranian Constitution. There are two bodies, the Guardian Council and the Council of Experts, that could provide checks and balances to the Supreme Leader's bias for the fraud, but they have so fa refused to act.
Now, let's be clear. The current situation is no better or worse than the situation in the USA in the elections of 2000 and 2004 which were both fraudulently stolen (albeit with more finesse) by George Bush. It does us no good to be on a high horse and look down on the people of Iran for having to live with a failure of their democracy. At least the people of Iran were demonstrating in the streets in large numbers. The people of the USA live with the failure of our democracy far more meekly by comparison. Our system of checks and balances failed and no one called for constitutional reform.
We have a system of Congressional legislation, Judicial review, and Presidential executive execution of the laws in which the Congress, the Justice system, and the Presidency are controlled by corporate elites every bit as much as the Iranian system is controlled by Islamic elites. We have a majority of the population that supports universal health care whether by a "public option" or by a Medicare-for-all (single payer) plan, yet neither the Congress nor the President has fought for what the public wants in the health care debate.
The people of the USA want the Clean Air act to be strengthened yet the Congress has just passed a phony clean energy bill that sells out to coal and nuclear energy and reduces the power of the Clean Air act. This is no fluke, it is the systemic failure of USA democracy that is accepted meekly by the majority of the public whose very preferences are ignored.
President Obama received his highest levels of campaign support from Wall Street interests, so is it any wonder that in the first six months of office that Obama has rewarded those same Wall Street interests with payoffs greater than any previous such looting of the US treasury in our history, all the while virtually ignoring the plight of the individual homeowners?
What we in the USA have in solidarity with out fellow humans in Iran is that we want honesty from our system of democracy. What we share in our systems is a fundamental lack of honesty by those people elected and appointed to run the system. I wish that we in the USA had the motivation to march in the streets in the numbers that they did in Iran to protest that lack of honesty. And if we did, I have no doubts that we would see the violence of the USA elites come out against the protesters every bit as much as it has in Iran, just has it has come out against the USA protesters at the Democratic and Republican Party conventions every year.
The bottom line is that we in the USA are in no position to brag that our democracy is any more vibrant or successful than the Iranian democracy, and when we look at the protests in Iran we can share in the dream of an honest upholding of the Constitution both in Iran and here as well.
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9:10 am
Arriving in Los Angeles is the beginning of Jan's and my formal holiday.
The Unitarian Universalist Association General Assembly in Salt Lake served as something of a coda to my first year at the Providence church. And I am ruminating on all that happened. There were wonderful things. And some at least personal losses.
I supported the proposed draft revision of the Statement of Principles and Purposes, and after heated debate, during all of which I stood in line to make my pitch but before I could have my say a motion to call the question was passed and we voted. The motion to carry this draft forward for a year and then to vote it as a replacement failed by thirteen votes. Then my candidate for president of the Association lost. I knew Laurel's campaign wasn't going as well as I had hoped, but the loss was by a rather larger percentage than I thought could happen, given the strengths of my candidate, even if her campaign itself wasn't sparkling. Considering I had no concerns that Peter, should he win, would be anything but a fine president, I was surprised at how sad I was at the outcome...
Of course, over the years, I've won sometimes and I've lost sometimes. And, honey, whatever they say, winning is better.
Fortunately I felt more wins than loses with my first year in Providence's pulpit. We love our Pawtucket home. And, hanging out here in LA, while I love the weather, oh I love the weather, the truth is I'm also aware how much I'm at least an Easterner, if not an actual full fledged New Englander, visiting more than "coming home."
And, then, there are the amazing good things going on with the sangha.
So much to be thankful for.
But I am toast.
I need to step away for a few days...
Glad to be here in the Los Angeles basin, ready to lick my wounds a bit, hang out with Jan and her family a bit, then take off for a wild ride up the coast with my beloved - moving too fast to visit friends, but somehow that feels right, just Jan and me for a little...
Of course with an occasional postcard to you all...
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9:03 am
On Today's "Top Ten" Countdown of the "Pure Virtues of the Bodhisattva" ...... we come to No. 5 ... Meditation .. Dhyana ... (not to be confused with the 50's song 'Diana' ... Hold me, darling, ho-ho hold me tight...
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4:49 am
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Wings beating like a humming bird's at the mouth of some flower comes the thought:
Of all the endeavors (wo)men put before themselves, spiritual endeavor is probably the greatest. By "spiritual," I don't mean whether someone is a Christian or a Jew or a Hindu or a Buddhist or an atheist. That's minor, though many may be willing to shed the blood of others in the quest for organized goodness, an assertion of something major.
What makes spiritual endeavor the greatest of endeavors is that it is impossible. And for those inclined, it is the impossible the lingers and nags at the edges of the heart, delicately asking to be recognized and addressed, until one day, when all the possible things have lost their savor and sense, when the things that suggested certainty only nourish a greater uncertainty, only the impossible is left. And what is it that is impossible? Perhaps it is the sense of longing for some something that is truly unlimited while the one who longs is consigned in every pore to a limited realm, a realm confined by body, mouth and thought. The impossible is The Answer which, if given, could not possibly be The Answer.
Spiritual endeavor is, on the face of it, profoundly human and touching. It is also, in its deeps and shallows, profoundly ridiculous. Those who attempt to do the impossible are willing to be ridiculous ... that's how forceful the impossible questions can become. Whatever the format, no one can see, touch, taste, smell, hear or speak the language of the impossible. Seeing, touching, tasting, smelling, hearing, and speaking are limited and woven with uncertainty. What, then, is certain? It is an impossible question to answer and yet, when the fires of power and position and control and sex and love and money and whatever other limited possibility die down, only the impossible questions make sense ... the ridiculous, impossible and human questions. Suggesting that impossible questions are impossible, so why bother, is like saying "Don't think of a purple cow." When the answers gathered to date no longer hold water in any convincing or consoling way, it may be a time when what is ridiculous is no longer quite so ridiculous. What other choice is there?
The Dalai Lama once said softly, "Everyone wants to be happy." Five power-packed words that most may consign to fortune-cookie status or self-help yummy. But to enter here, to put efforts and tears to work, is to enter a fiery, impossible realm.
Happy, without a whisper of doubt, unlimited. Happy in birth, happy in death, happy in times of joy, happy in times of sorrow, happy etc. etc. etc. An impossible realm that beckons where the night is most silent or the rush-hour crowd harries the small, ridiculous traveler.
Ah well ... perhaps I will continue this later. Just now, I have a doctor's appointment in Amherst (time to get the stitches out) and then there is more retirement bureaucracy to deal with. Time to get cracking. It's impossible, but I guess I'll try. :)
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Wings beating like a humming bird's at the mouth of some flower comes the thought:
Of all the endeavors (wo)men put before themselves, spiritual endeavor is probably the greatest. By "spiritual," I don't mean whether someone is a Christian or a Jew or a Hindu or a Buddhist or an atheist. That's minor, though many may be willing to shed the blood of others in the quest for organized goodness, an assertion of something major.
What makes spiritual endeavor the greatest of endeavors is that it is impossible. And for those inclined, it is the impossible the lingers and nags at the edges of the heart, delicately asking to be recognized and addressed, until one day, when all the possible things have lost their savor and sense, when the things that suggested certainty only nourish a greater uncertainty, only the impossible is left. And what is it that is impossible? Perhaps it is the sense of longing for some something that is truly unlimited while the one who longs is consigned in every pore to a limited realm, a realm confined by body, mouth and thought. The impossible is The Answer which, if given, could not possibly be The Answer.
Spiritual endeavor is, on the face of it, profoundly human and touching. It is also, in its deeps and shallows, profoundly ridiculous. Those who attempt to do the impossible are willing to be ridiculous ... that's how forceful the impossible questions can become. Whatever the format, no one can see, touch, taste, smell, hear or speak the language of the impossible. Seeing, touching, tasting, smelling, hearing, and speaking are limited and woven with uncertainty. What, then, is certain? It is an impossible question to answer and yet, when the fires of power and position and control and sex and love and money and whatever other limited possibility die down, only the impossible questions make sense ... the ridiculous, impossible and human questions. Suggesting that impossible questions are impossible, so why bother, is like saying "Don't think of a purple cow." When the answers gathered to date no longer hold water in any convincing or consoling way, it may be a time when what is ridiculous is no longer quite so ridiculous. What other choice is there?
The Dalai Lama once said softly, "Everyone wants to be happy." Five power-packed words that most may consign to fortune-cookie status or self-help yummy. But to enter here, to put efforts and tears to work, is to enter a fiery, impossible realm.
Happy, without a whisper of doubt, unlimited. Happy in birth, happy in death, happy in times of joy, happy in times of sorrow, happy etc. etc. etc. An impossible realm that beckons where the night is most silent or the rush-hour crowd harries the small, ridiculous traveler.
Ah well ... perhaps I will continue this later. Just now, I have a doctor's appointment in Amherst (time to get the stitches out) and then there is more retirement bureaucracy to deal with. Time to get cracking. It's impossible, but I guess I'll try. :)
.
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2:00 am
Here's another favorite post, one that uses a line in President Obama's inaugural address to make a much larger point. And, now that it's actually peach-eating season (at least, on the West Coast), I especially appreciate the conclusion.
In his inaugural address, President Obama said, "We will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."
The President's metaphor got me thinking about the various clenched fists in my life.
There's the clenched fist of protection, which limits my experience (and injures those around me). There's the clenched fist of position, which freezes my relationship to those who care about me.
There's the clenched fist of view - my inflexible ways of perceiving changing circumstance. There's the clenched fist of story - the fabrications that I cling to when things don't go my way.
Occasionally I'm able to relax one of these fists.
In
these moments, I immediately experience how the world extends its hand
toward me. Sometimes I return the gesture and join hands with the
world. Other times, the fingers tighten back into the clench.
It's an interesting study. One thing I know for certain: It's hard to eat a peach with a clenched fist.
Later note: As it turns out, Puerhan addressed exactly this topic on January 21 with one of his fine poems:
Hurt
I unclench my fist
Feel cool air on my palm
And space between my fingers
What if I unclench my heart?
I unclench my fist
Feel cool air on my palm
And space between my fingers
What if I unclench my heart?
Fist by Robbie Veldwijk
Peach by Kook Skatkat
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June 29, 2009 10:04 pm
There's an interview with me up now on Buddhist Geeks. So go read it. Or listen to it. Or both. Or neither. Or both and neither. Or neither both nor neither.
Also somebody sent me this funny article that reveals the truth about Zen.
I've been thinking more about death. A friend of mine told me his mom is dying of cancer right now. I like his mom. She's very cool.
But after watching what my own mom went through I know there are many fates worse than death. And I don't really think dying is all that bad of a thing just in and of itself. Of course it's best to postpone it as long as feasible. I plan to live as long as I can.
I can't say I have no fear of death. But I no longer have a fear of annihilation. Annihilation goes on all the time. If you're gonna fear annihilation at the moment your body ceases functioning, you might as well fear it right now because the you that started reading this article is utterly gone.
That thing that you call "me" has no limits. Birth and death can't touch it. And yet there will come a day when you'll be gone, daddy, gone. And nothing will bring you back again. What you really are is more real, and more you, than anything you can conceive of.
When death comes naturally, it should be allowed to happen. Sure. Fight it off when you have a fighting chance. But when it's time to go, go in peace knowing there is nowhere to go but here.
Also somebody sent me this funny article that reveals the truth about Zen.
I've been thinking more about death. A friend of mine told me his mom is dying of cancer right now. I like his mom. She's very cool.
But after watching what my own mom went through I know there are many fates worse than death. And I don't really think dying is all that bad of a thing just in and of itself. Of course it's best to postpone it as long as feasible. I plan to live as long as I can.
I can't say I have no fear of death. But I no longer have a fear of annihilation. Annihilation goes on all the time. If you're gonna fear annihilation at the moment your body ceases functioning, you might as well fear it right now because the you that started reading this article is utterly gone.
That thing that you call "me" has no limits. Birth and death can't touch it. And yet there will come a day when you'll be gone, daddy, gone. And nothing will bring you back again. What you really are is more real, and more you, than anything you can conceive of.
When death comes naturally, it should be allowed to happen. Sure. Fight it off when you have a fighting chance. But when it's time to go, go in peace knowing there is nowhere to go but here.
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8:11 pm
Well, I stumbled upon the blog Tengu House because of a post about President Obama and Buddhists that I felt compelled to comment on. And then I noticed a few articles on Engaged Buddhism, and decided to take a look. Needless to say, the posts got me a bit riled up, and so I give you my response below. I'm pretty sure that the use of the word "lobby" in terms of Buddha's actions with prominent figures of his day is probably not correct, or maybe too strong. But anyway, here's what was said.
The author of Tengu House wrote: "We can protest private corporations, government agencies, elected officials and media outlets until we’re out of oxygen and our arms fall off from holding our signs. All of this may have the effect of making us feel better, momentarily, but this isn’t what the Buddha taught us. The Buddha taught us to find the peace that is already within us, and then to teach others to find the peace that is already within them, if they want."
And I responded, "Actually, I disagree. Why suggest practice is only one way? It's possible to discover truth about life, about the moment as it is, right in the middle of a protest, or negotiating a piece of legislation with a legislator, or coming together as a community to clean up a toxic waste site. I've experienced this myself, and it's been beyond whether or not 'my side' of an issue 'won' or was the 'right' one.
I think you're tossing the baby out with the bathwater.
Yes, it's disappointing that Buddhists are pigeonholed as all 'liberals' who support in the case of the U.S. the Democrats. That's false. And it's unfortunate when people toss out their sitting practice, and/or fail to keep digging into their own greed, hatred, and delusion because they are too busy working on political causes. But I take very seriously the teaching that there are 84,000 dharma gates - anything and everything can be a point of awakening for us. And I'd argue that, in working on a collective scale to change something, you learn a hell of a lot about your life - about where you are attached and where you have been freed - by being in the middle of such group efforts.
And the Buddha himself, for the record, often lobbied political leaders, military people, and business people who were not members of his sangha. He directly attempted to stop conflicts between warring groups in his home region at least twice, the second time having to watch as his efforts failed (at least in the short term). Now, this was not the lobbying or intervention we know of today, but it, along with Buddha's teachings in the Pali Canon on 'good governing,'
suggest that Buddha felt the social/political world was not outside of his teachings.
As for someone chaining themselves to a tree - how do you know for sure that this is not Buddhist? How do you know for sure that this act is not upholding the precept of not killing? What is Buddhist anyway?
Do you know the koan about Nansen cutting the cat in half?
Nansen saw the monks of the eastern and western halls fighting over a cat. He seized the cat and told the monks: `If any of you say a good word, you can save the cat.'
No one answered. So Nansen boldly cut the cat in two pieces.
That evening Joshu returned and Nansen told him about this. Joshu removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.
Nansen said: `If you had been there, you could have saved the cat.'
Was it Buddhist to kill a cat? Is it Buddhist to cut off any part of life and say it's not practice?"
Here's the link to the original post. (Sorry it's not easier to use - I can't seem to figure out how to paste a link in so you can just click it.)
http://tenguhouse.typepad.com/tengu_house/2009/03/activism-and-engaged-buddhism.html
I'm very interested in others views of Engaged Buddhism, or simply Buddhist practice and "activism" in its myriad of forms. Feel free to drop a comment if you're inclined.
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8:03 pm
I remember a passage in one of the Carlos Castenada books where Carlos was going to save a turtle by moving her off the road. Don Juan wouldn't let him interfere with the turtle's life. That passage came to mind recently while riding my bike around Bald Eagle when I saw a kind man trying to help a turtle. I stopped and talked with the man. He said he was sure that the turtle wanted to get back to the side of the road he had come from.
"How do you know?" I asked, thinking that if the turtle was crossing the road, how did the guy know she didn't want to do that.
"She wants to go back there," repeated the man.
Move the turtle or let the turtle cross the road and maybe get run over. And which way does the turtle want to go? What to do?
Like this passage from Genjokoan.
When a person first seeks after the dharma, the person becomes far from the boundary of the dharma. When the dharma is correctly transmitted to the self, the person is immediately the original person.
Now there is a lot of nonseeking pablum chewed up in modern Zen circles and all that comes of it is constipation and passivity - no enlightenment.
Above we have old man Dogen recognizing seeking and the estrangement that comes from it. But without seeking, how can that be right? Anyway, every body's looking for something so stop BS'en. Sweet dreams are made of this.
If you gotta seek, seek for dharma, seek for what's really true. In so doing, you gotta become alienated and isolated. That's the way. Turning toward and turning away both wrong. Confused. Damn. What to do?
Sit down. Shut up. Tolerance for the inconceivable. Be turned by the dharma when the dharma is good and ready to turn and it won't be by your timetable, buddy.
It's like being home and asking, "Is this my home?" And then investigating. "Resting in curiosity," as one person said here in the study group. Being willing to sit in the corner where you cannot move an inch. The terminal abode that is simultaneously the start of the journey. Katagiri liked to talk about that.
“There’s a moment when all old things become new again
But that moment might have come and gone
All I have and all I know is this dream of you which keeps me living on.”
Here's Bokusan:
...We should be aware of the tendency for beginners to say, "It's not good to seek for dharma, so I will not pursue it." Don't make this mistake.... It is not possible to perfectly fit with dharma at the beginning of our practice. So not seeking for the dharma is out of the question. You must endeavor with urgency, even sacrificing filial piety for your own mother. By doing so, you come to understand that nonattainment is the true face of the dharma.
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